Knitting

I went to a knitting group last night. I haven't knitted in years, and even when I did knit I was so beginner I never even completed one project - how lame is that! So now I'm back into it, with my orange cotton yarn knitting a dishcloth. Last time I tried knitting (also a dishcloth) my husband was teasing that it looked like I was making my own thong underwear (and when you looked at what I was making, you could say it DID look like thong underwear... takes a man to think of that!). My "thong" was freecycled along with a bunch of yarn and needles I bought at the thrift. So last night I bought new needles and yarn and hope to get back into it. Knitting seems like a nice relaxing thing to do, especially over the long prairie winters. Maybe it will help pass the time and keep my sanity while my husband is away. Okay, maybe thats a lot to ask of a hobby, but one can always hope.

What are you lonely for?

I was asked this question (online) and it's an interesting question. My answer:

I just want one or two friends who are close and I can count on for times I need someone to talk with or go to the mall or go for coffee with. Friends who are reliable. I find most people very unreliable, and thats difficult for me to take. I'm a military spouse which makes it difficult since I have no family (and I mean absolutely NO one) around me and what family I do have has lost contact with me over the years. It's a very lonely, isolated life. Plus the military takes my husband away from me for months, sometimes years at a time, and we live off base (rent is TOO expensive for base housing in Canada, it's cheaper to have a mortgage!) which makes it really difficult to access any resources on base. It's depressing just thinking about it.

Sounds a bit depressing, I know, but it's an honest answer. It will be interesting to see how different I feel once my husband is home from this latest deployment.

Today I went to a downtown church for the second week in a row. It has a distinctly evangelical mood, which part of me detests, but the people seem nice and the Sunday School seems perfect for Sarah. They have a single mom's lunch after the Sunday service once a month, so I'm hoping to attend and not get kicked out because I'm married!

My husbands birthday is tomorrow, which is actually today where he is. I didn't send him a gift, bad wife I am, because I didn't want to send him something and he would have to bring it back with him. He has been begging for a few naughty photos, but I've been too afraid to send those in case they get "lost" in the mail! :(

There is lots of snow on the ground here, we had two big snowfalls and while it's so pretty, it's a bit exhausting to walk in. The city is working on clearing the main roads and sidewalks first, so the side streets take forever to walk down. Hopefully by the start of the work week things will be better.

Thank God Christmas is over and Boxing Day is nearly done. This has been the crappiest Holidays ever, with not having my husband or family here. My toddler and I spent the day alone, like any other day except for unwrapping presents and playing with the toys. No special meal at home, although we did go to the church up the street for a meal which was nice, but no where near as nice as having a meal with family and friends.

I'm totally in a downer mood and bummed out once again by my husband being in the military. Luckily I have some trashy MC Beaton novels to read and they are showing Frank Capra movies on Time Warner Classics. I have never watched Arsenic and Old Lace but I know it's a great albeit morbid comedy, so I have it recording this evening and hope to watch it over the next day or two. I really enjoy watching It's a Wonderful Life and Mr Smith goes to Washington, so I'm sure most of Capra's movies are hits. I'm hoping to see Pocketful of Miracles and perhaps Platinum Blonde or Lady for a Day... so many to choose from!

Last night my daughter and I attended a community church "Holiday Feast". It was stressful and wonderful all in one. Stressful because I was on my own with a stroller, a two year old and my hands full of a huge gift basket I won! Luckily a kind man helped me with my packages out to the street where I called a taxi for a ride home.

The basket I won has this lovely hand sewn quilt in it that will be perfect on Sarah's bed. I plan to take a picture of her sleeping with the quilt on and send it in a nice thank you card to the church.

The dinner itself was well organized and SO yummy! The volunteers had gingerbread house kits available for the kids to put together while they waited for their meal. My daughter of course only wanted to eat the decoration candies while mom built the house!! But it was fun none the less.

This afternoon we're off to another community dinner put on by the local business association. It's at 1:30 so I'm hoping I can take my daughter on my lunch break and be back at work in reasonable time. Wish me luck!

This week has been a lot of bitchiness, starting with a few goofy coworkers who are seriously grinchy and in turn put me and my coworker whom I share an office with in a Bah Humbug sort of mood! I'm hoping it will shake off.... I don't like being crabby over Christmas!

I went to weight watchers today, gained 2.1 lbs and I'm not overly worried about it! There, I said it! I'd rather have lost weight but I have decided to forgive myself for my indiscretions over the holidays and just enjoy as much of everything I can, including food.

My daughter has been amazingly well mannered lately - not perfect but she is learning to listen to her mom and her mom is learning to negotiate to get what she wants (ie the television WILL be turned off if said daughter does not lie down to get her diaper changed!).

Tonight I have respite, all I'm doing is picking up an item at a friends house that I've bought off her, and spending my Safeway gift cards I received in the military Christmas hamper. Fun fun fun!

I read my blog today. Luckily it's still short enough I can do that fairly easily. There is one thing I need to update, and that is my husband is away for a total of fifteen months (not fourteen - but hey, whats one month eh?), and WILL miss my daughters third birthday! I'm debating on just sliding the date back a month since she is only turning three and is young enough she won't know the difference. Ethical? In some ways no, in many ways, YES!

I requested a Christmas Hamper from the military. I request one every year now I know they have this service, and it's been so wonderful this year with my husband being away. It makes me feel a wee more festive - and anything to make me feel festive is "a good thing". There are some wonderful toys for Sarah and a few very nice Safeway gift cards for me to do some holiday shopping.

Today was the first day where it really hit me hard how much I miss my husband. Until now it was more that I missed he wasn't here to take care of my daughter to give me the occasional break most mothers of two year olds need. It may be the holidays are fast approaching, making me realize how lonely it is to be a military spouse - no family around, no close friends because I have no time to socialize and meet new ones whenever we move... it's a sad, lonely world sometimes.

My coworkers have been wonderful and very understanding. My lovely boss took our team out for an incredible lunch on Friday, followed by prezzies for everyone... including presents for any young children of team members! I can't imagine a better boss, and I will be sad to leave this department when the time comes. (Wiping another tear away from my eye as I write this...)

I had respite today, the worker was over a half hour late because she got lost on the bus. I forgave her, at least somewhat, because I take the bus as well and it can be easy at first to get confused where you're to get off, switch buses, etc. It turns out she wasn't that great a worker, she was friendly to my daughter which is most important, but she didn't cook lunch as I asked (microwaved some left over grain salad that I said to serve with lunch, and to not warm up). I'll give her one more chance and see how it goes. She wasn't horrible by any means, just maybe not as good as the others who have come.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I'm debating on going to church; it gives me a bit of a break but I'm not too thrilled about Christianity (I grew up with an extended Christian family) so it makes it difficult. Maybe I'll visit the Unitarian Church, they are all welcoming and don't push you or assume you believe. It's a welcome break from what I'm used to.

Ethical Dilemma

So I have an ethical dilemma. We have a room for rent at the moment - I find having a house mate helps while my husband is away. It makes me feel a little more secure, knowing there is some one else in the house besides me and my young daughter.

So, I advertised the room and had a few no shows, then had an email from a fellow in the US who will is doing a double major (poly sci and geography... go figure!) and needs a place to stay for a few months. We talked on the phone and I said he needs to mail me a cheque for a deposit. He probably already mailed the cheque, but since I haven't received it yet I left the ad up for others to reply.

This evening I get two phone calls from doctors who are taking a one year program where I work (I work at a hospital). One fellow is from Vancouver, so there is a connection there (my husband and I are from Vancouver). The other lady is from Toronto. Both are coming by to look at the house, both are interested for one year.

So, my ethical delimma is two fold, one, we may end up getting a posting message saying we're moving this summer, which would lead me to pick the guy from the US as he would only need the room until late Spring. Then again, if we don't get posted it would be nice to have the room rented out for a full year, and to someone who will be going to the same place every day as me.

Decisions, decisions!

Encouragement from fellow military spouse bloggers

I've been reading other spouse's blogs, especially during deployments. It's been helpful knowing others go through the same hell that I am currently in. One post especially peaked my interest, Stella posted during the hubby's 15 month deployment and has some encouragement on how to get through a deployment - http://fifteenmonths.blogspot.com/2008/02/my-top-8-tips-for-surviving-deployment.html - her second point especially has me thinking. Time to stop thinking how much the military stinks and how some staff are especially cruel and to just take it one step at a time. Hopefully this will help me keep at least a small portion of my sanity intact.

Pathetic

I rented a car this weekend; I thought renting a car would be a thrill, and it has somewhat. It's a thrill to drive from point A to point B without having to stand at a bus stop for 15 minutes in -35 degrees! However all I did with the car was drop my daughter off at respite care, then go to Costco. Yes, thats it. How dull am I.

One tiny excuse is that I just drove BY the malls and big box stores and they looked so crazy busy I can't imagine any sane person wanting to go there! The major streets leading to these stores were wild enough, I wouldn't like to attempt the parking lots.

Tomorrow I don't have any plans other than a friend is coming to pick up a book case and baby gate in the afternoon, so I have to figure out what I can/want to do now I have access to a car for another whole day.

The University I'm taking courses at contacted me about my application for an exam deferral and they have accepted, now it's just a matter of scheduling it. A huge nice bonus is that it will be in January - after the holidays - which gives me loads more study time - Horray!!!

Overwhelmed

I'm noticing a pattern with my post titles - they tend to reflect how I'm feeling at the moment I post.

Yesterday I took a family sick day as my daughter had a bad cough and horrible snot nose; luckily it got better throughout the day so hopefully it keeps up. This morning taking her to daycare was hell though, she screamed and cried as soon as we started walking. At first I thought she was cold (-25 today!) but I don't think that was it. I'm still not sure what it was all about, but she calmed down on the bus and the walk to daycare, but once in the door she was pouty and clingy like crazy. I had to peel the poor girl off my leg so I could get to work! The daycare workers are wonderful and one took her away while I quickly ran out the door. Hopefully I won't have many mornings like that again!

I have an exam coming up for my University course, so I have been studying when I get the chance, but I don't get that chance often enough. I am sure I'll pass the course but realistically my final mark will be less than impressive I'm sure!

Work is semi-busy, I have things to do but not everything is rush rush which is so nice. I can take a few minutes here and there to reflect which is a treat.

Respite is going well for the most part, although I did request a non-smoker and of course one of the ladies is a smoker, but she felt bad and said she usually makes an effort to not smoke before coming over, and she changes her clothes before she comes to my house... and seeing as she is such a nice lady I'm okay with that.

My Canadian World Youth girls left this morning - I was sad to see them go, but at the same time it will be nice to have the house to ourselves over the holidays. I do have ads posted to rent the room out again, so hopefully someone will be interested for January.

Humbug

I'm feeling a bit "humbug" today. I'm not overly upset that it will just be me and my daughter this Christmas, but I do miss my husband so it's tough not to be a little down. There's a local church putting on a holiday feast a few days before Christmas, so I plan to go with my daughter. It will be nice to be around people. Plus next Wednesday there is a deployment support meeting at yummy local dessert place so I definately plan to go! Luckily I was able to get a sitter!

I'm taking a distance education class at the local university, and last night I wrote a test. My mark wasn't great I'm sure because I haven't had the time to study much other than the last two respite periods. My final exam is coming up in mid December so hopefully I can do more studying and boost my mark!

And to finish my post off, good news! I lost three pounds over the past week - yahoo! Now let's have that cheesecake :)

Sunday morning sleep-in!

My daughter let me sleep in until 8:30 - what a treat!! We had french toast for breakfast and now she's watching "Super Why" (CBC show that teaches spelling), so mommy and daughter are both happy this morning.

I assume as a result of me telling the military how desperate I was for respite, I had CFS come knock on my door last night. It was all good however and I didn't mind them checking up on us. In fact I appreciated it. Since working in police services as a comm op for 10 years and having a lot of dealings with CFS, I know that they were truly just checking up to make sure everyone was okay.

This evening I have respite again from 6 pm to 10 pm. I plan to go to a quiet coffee shop and get caught up on my reading for school - I am at least three weeks behind and have an exam December 18th so I better get cracking!

I almost forgot to mention, I've joined weight watchers and as a result, met up with three wonderful ladies at a local restaurant yesterday afternoon. My daughter kept me hopping as usual, but it was still a great visit. Hopefully WW will help me get back on track and keep my eating in check.

Desperation leads to relief - somewhat

Yesterday and today have been a bit of a blur. After a number of email exchanges I had a phone call from the interim social worker at the military family centre. This woman is wonderful; she seems like she genuinely cares and honestly she has offered to do some things (such as come to my home to visit me, and drop off a christmas hamper from the military when I was unable to pick it up) for me in the past that I felt were above and beyond the call of duty, and for that I was, and still am, very thankful. Anyway, long story short I had four hours of respite tonight and it was SO WONDERFUL! I hopped the bus, went to the mall and had a relaxing, enjoyable meal then I picked up a book for my husband and got on a bus that took me around the city on a tour. The bus trip ended up making me 15 minutes later than I expected, but the respite worker didn't seem to mind. I have to mention the respite worker was wonderful, my daughter warmed up to her right away and asked for 'tickles' all night - she was in a mood to be ticked I guess! So it seems both daughter and respite worker (and mommy!) enjoyed their evening. Thank goodness!

Numb

I've been feeling numb lately. Not physically numb, but mentally numb. Routine is my life. Some days, it's the routine from hell.

Mondays is Kinder Gym for my daughter. I get off work at 4:30, walk to daycare, hope my daughter cooperates and gets her jacket and accessories on then we walk to the bus stop. Bus comes about 10 minutes later and takes us almost directly to the community centre. Most days it goes well, but last night was evil! Sarah had a cookie that my coworker made her on the way to the gym, then at the gym I bought us each a bag of chips (usually I buy just one but I've learned that two year olds do NOT like to share!). Sarah was happy for the most part until I suggested she put her chips down and join the other kids in her gym class. That didn't go over so well. She of course said "no" and cried when I took the chips away. She screamed in fact, and loudly. She threw herself on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying while some parents laughed, most gave me understanding, sympathetic looks while one couple actually made it seem like I was the worst parent on the earth (the parents of the second most whiney child in the group... perhaps my daughters outburst made them feel superior).

After a non-successful time out, I stuffed my daughter in her stroller, kicking and screaming (her, not me... although perhaps I should have kicked and screamed also) all the way to the bus stop. I'm sure some of the people I passed along the way thought I had beat the crap out of her (which I must admit was tempting for a second or two). Finally, after about a 20 minute wait for the bus she settled down somewhat. By the time we got home, she was happy and playful again.

Hopefully tonight is not a repeat of last night... I have a daycare board meeting to go to. The only reason I volunteer is because it gives me a break from my daughter and gives me time to interact with adults... kinda like work only a bit more fun. Pray for me!

Seemingly never ending roller coaster

It's the respite roller coaster - and it's over three years long! Long story short, my local family support centre refuses to help me because we live off base, I do not drive, and the city transit does not go to the base so I can't access the deployment respite they offer. They say they don't have the budget to hire a sitter for me, or for pay for a cab ride to the base and back... and they don't want to give me a ride either. So, it seems I am SOL because I have a S family centre here!

I even approached the FSS (Family Support Section) in Edmonton asking if they could help (we live in Winnipeg) and another long story short, they can't because we're in Winnipeg and must receive service from Winnipeg. Too bad service in Winnipeg means f-you.

So, another long deployment (14 months) without support from the military. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't gone insane yet, or if I am insane and simply am too insane to realize that I'm insane. Or perhaps I must be insane to have stuck with this crap for this long!?

Depressing Times

It's been a week since I last spoke with Edmonton's Family Support Services. With a title like that, you would think it's self explainatory what they do, and it is, and it isn't. I've been struggling with my local MFRC to get some support in the form of care for my child while my husband is called off for duty for months, sometimes more than a year at a time. There's been times I've feared that I would either have a mental break down or worse, harm my child. But the local MFRC has been nothing but critical. I have even been told that "it's a budget issue" and that I am not entitled to emergency respite. This after losing our first born child.... I can't imagine what else emergency respite care would be for! It clearly states in the policy emergency respite care is to help support the mental well being of the care provider.... well, what else would have to happen besides the death of one's child to cause someone to go bonkers and need respite care??! Our MFRC sucks big time. I can't wait to get posted out. I've been praying for a posting message for months now, and at this point I wouldn't really care where we were posted to... as long as it's not here!

Church, part deux

I attended the same church as last week after speaking with the Pastor who assured me he would speak with the staff. I also spoke with the staff, and in the end it turns out someone DID take my daughter upstairs, but I had not seen them. Whew! So that made me feel a lot better. The church service was nice, lots of different cultural music including African, and Karin. My daughter had fun playing in the nursery with the other 2 and 3 year olds, so overall it was a great morning.

Rememberance Day Blues

I had plans to go to a Remembrance Day Ceremony. I thought it was important seeing as the love of my life is deployed overseas doing his part. But what did I do? Pulled the lazy housewife and stayed in ALL day. My daughter was content watching television, playing with her toys and snuggling with mommy all day... so who am I to deny her? I listened to CBC radio all day instead, hearing stories of the war and of love kindled during and after wartime.

New Church and a Free SO Concert

This morning one of the girls staying with me wanted to go to a local church one of her friends told her about. I was excited to go so I said sure, and rushed to get my daughter and I ready in 15 minutes! We did it, just squeeked in as the service was starting. It was a nice service, people were fairly friendly but I'm not sure if it's the church for us, or at least for my daughter. At first she went down with the other kids for Sunday School and a few minutes later came up on her own! I decided to put her in the nursery which appeared secure with staff supervision, but again, about 10 minutes later in comes my daughter. This really scared me because she could have easily gone outside the building and the church is on a very busy street. I have a call in to the church office so hopefully this won't happen again to any other children.

On a happier note, I received a free ticket to Sunday Pops with the local Symphony Orchestra. It was fun and a nice break for me. The girls staying with me looked after Sarah and allowed me to have a few hours to myself.

Realizing I need to journal for my own sanity

I've thought about journaling the time during my husbands various deployments for a while now, but out of sheer laziness never have. Starting this blog I am leary I will keep it up, but hopefully I will get on a roll and maintain it regularly.

My husband is currently deployed overseas with the Canadian military. He has been away training since February of this year, but the actual overseas part only started mid-October.

This year I turned 40, celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary and my daughter's second birthday. I am hoping my husband will be home from this current deployment in time for my daughters third birthday in May.